Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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