I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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