i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
