Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize