My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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