How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Randomize
