SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
