You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
