Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
