I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
