dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
