I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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