They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize