I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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