This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize