I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
