dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
