I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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