just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
