That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
