the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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