Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
