onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
