I hate all girls vehemently.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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