My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
