Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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