I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize