Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
