i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize