I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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