I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
