I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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