Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
