It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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