My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
