It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
