after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize