Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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