do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize