I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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