I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
