Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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