Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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