Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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