Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
