i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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