My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
