One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
