First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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