i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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