The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
