i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Sext me about skeletons
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
