if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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