I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
