It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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