I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
