your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
