the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
