I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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