i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Two words: nipple clamps
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